Nothing really exciting going on. Dealing with some family shit right now, be back asap…
As promised April 9, 2007
So I bet some of you wonder why I call my daughter the “monster”. Here is the short version of the story, I guess it’s the only version of the story. When she first started to understand her name, and able to respond to when her name was called, she did this “grrr” sound from where ever she was. “Where is mommy’s cute monster”, behind the couch you would here “Grrr!” So hence why we call her the “monster” it is a loving nick name, and some occasions it suits her. I love my daughter, she is a blessing.
Just for some of you who don’t know me well, here is the inside scoop on how we got Morgan. When I became pregnant with her, they had to do an ultrasound to see how far I was. When looking, they asked how I got pregnant. You can imagine the shock on their face when I said “a turkey baster. Isn’t that how the kids are doing it these days?” *hey you ask me a stupid question you get a smart ass answer* I guess my PCOS was very severe and the doctor stated that she was very surprise I was able to get pregnant with out the help of fertility drugs. Monster was early, she was about 9 months early. We had planned on getting pregnant on our first year anniversary, instead Monster was born the day after it, she is my blessing, my miracle.
Light at the end of the Tunnel?? April 7, 2007
So I sat and ponder yesterday. Since I was just in this wonderful funk, I just grabbed my keys, told the husband to watch the monster (there is a story behind me calling my daughter the “monster”, but that might be another day) and I took off. I drove to the local park found a bench out of the public eye and cried, smoked a cigarette or two, or three, cried some more, and found the “light”. The husband and I have never really had a marriage. His mother has stuck her nose in everything we have done since the day he brought me home. I remember clearly the day we told his parents that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and the first words out her mouth was, not congrats, or I am so happy for you, It was “you will be broke, miserable, and have defective children.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?! ever since that day I have never really respected that women, and she has never said sorry. What I think is happening is she can see that her prediction is not coming true, and she is trying her best to make it. I have bit my tongue long enough to keep the peace, and this is at my father in law request. I don’t think I can keep it anymore. I am the parent to monster and the wife to her son. I married him, not her, and she needs to just understand that we don’t need them, we will ask for help, if we need it.
Also, the husband does need to help out more. I have felt bad cause he does work 3rd shift, and refuses to put monster in daycare cause he can be with her during the day. While he is up with her for the 4 hours I am away at work, he could do a load of laundry, or unload the dishwasher, shit he could even dust a little. I hate to ask him, cause to me, him working 3rd shift is a lot. I think the next step I have to make is sitting down and chatting with him. Telling what I fear and what I want, and him doing the same, and working on the fears and compromising on the wants..
Something is wrong with me April 6, 2007
I seem to be lashing out at everyone lately. I have been taking out on my husband, my mother in law (though sometimes she deserves it), people I work with. I am not sure what is wrong. I am angry, very, very angry. It is getting the point I don’t want to be around anyone, not even my daughter. I would be much happier if someone would just drop me off on some uninhabited island and left me be. I would be OK with that. If I died tomorrow, in a fiery car crash, I would be super. I don’t know if I have taken on to much on my plate. I mean all I do is watch the baby, work, balance the check book, pay the bills, do the dishes, wash the laundry, vacuum, dust, clean up baby toys, give baby a bath, put baby to bed, and wake up and do the same over again. There are thousands and thousands of mothers and wives that do this everyday, and not say a thing. So why do I feel like a asshole for taking it out on everyone.
